you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
