I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
