I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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