yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
