We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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