I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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