I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
