You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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