i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize