why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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