Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
