Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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