Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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