so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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