nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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