Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
