roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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