HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
