when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
