Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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