My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
