he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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