We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
