I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
