i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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