You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
