Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
