1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
