On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
