Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
