my sisters under your porch take her home
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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