peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
