Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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