I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
