Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
