My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
