The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i now understand why vodka
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
