so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
