I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
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Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
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Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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