Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
