Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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