I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
