Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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