I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
