I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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