what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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