I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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