he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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