swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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