Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
