For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
