I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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